Well I found something that I could probably write a book about! Oprah was on and the topic was "Coping With Infertility." The topic triggered me to Bella and of course the mood went downhill.. I try my best each day to just cope with it.. to carry on with my normal everyday life.. but stuff like this just sucks all the happiness right out of you..I mean I do carry on with what I'm doing as Ive perfected faking happiness in recent times. How do you get people to understand that "chosing to be happy" is NOT an option here. The mood swings just come and go and we all just have to go with the emotion we feel at the time.. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just CHOSE TO BE HAPPY and STAY THAT WAY?! I would love that!! Unfortunately we are dealt with some very low blows at some point in our life, and while I dont have the exact same feelings as Maryann and Ryon who lost their only child, the princess they so desired, a child that only exists in their memory, I still feel the loss and the dreams for Bella that only exist in my memory and unfulfilled dreams. I am SUPER happy for my neices and nephews and love them all. I love babies! I dont want to take away the joy from seeing them hit their milestones or hearing about them since I dont actually live near any of them. :( At the same time it is soo bittersweet, cause Bella should be right there with them, crawling, cooing, laughing, you name it.. My sister should not be having to go read to Bella AT her grave, tell her how much she loves her AT her grave.. This is just the true unfairness of life! I know everyone showed their respect, their support, through the most difficult times including the passing, and the funeral. It's just very very tough now that the support system has moved on and your still stuck in the heavy grieving stage. We are still feeling the loss. Maryann sends me pictures of her visits to Bella, reading to her, pics of the cherry blossom tree Bella rests under and my heart just aches.. I wish she could have another happy healthy child tomorrow! I'd really love to know where that saying "time helps ease the pain" came from.. What a joke! I havent felt any of the easing whatsoever, rather found a way to "cope with the loss" more than anything..
Ok.. Just want to remind you all that YES I along with a few others are still working on putting together a fundraiser in Bella's memory. HUGE shoutout to Cami for her outstanding work on that CD coming out.. The date is likely to get moved around- just by a week or two from the original date we had given. It may or may not be as extravagant as the casino night AT the actual race track or a big elaborate party at the local park. Backup plans are in mind if the first two ideas just seem too costly. I'll talk more about the fundraising in my next post. Talking about that sure lifts me up-- Thanks Cami for all the work you have done on the CD and much much more- while I feel like Ive taken a break for just a moment.. Im back on it! Ive got it on the top of my list for next week!!
Maryann missing Bella..
On my reading list.. Empty Cradles Broken Hearts.. The title says it all!! Here's a link to the book..
http://www.storknet.com/bookshelf/emptycradle.htm
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